And that is how the fight started

These are funny, I’m just too lazy to hit forward


One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift… The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!” And that’s how the fight started…..


We were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, ‘Do you want to have Sex?’ ‘No,’ she answered. I then said, ‘Is that your final answer?’ She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying, ‘Yes..’ So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.” And that’s how the fight started…..


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the rump steak, rare, please.” He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?” “Nah, she can order for herself.” And that’s how the fight started…..


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, “Do you know him?” “Yes”, she sighed, “He’s my old boyfriend…. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn’t been sober since.” “My God!” I said, “Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?” And that’s how the fight started…..


When our lawn mower broke and wouldn’t run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, “When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.” The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.


My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, “What’s on TV?” I said, “Dust.” And that’s how the fight started….. ________________________________

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.. I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.” My loving wife of 5 years replied, “And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?” And that’s how the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, “I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.” I bought her a bathroom scale. And that’s how the fight started…..


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt’. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’ And that’s how the fight started…..


My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, “I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’ I replied, “Your eyesight’s damn near perfect And that’s how the fight started.. .

“How you doin’ ????”

What a difference a few decades can make? My first two concerts when I was fourteen was Bruce Springsteen (yeah, big surprise) and Rush (okay, a bit of surprise), but both were miles away from the local radio station sponsored revue at the Arena on Saturday Night.

My moonlighting gig had me ushering for the festivities, mercifully up the high level so you were in a good spot to see the people watching festival and that was the show for me.  Aside from helping a few teens learn to count to find the correct seat, it wasn’t a lot of heavy lifting. The radio group set up monitors on either side of the stage where we were regularly assaulted with commercials and videotape greetings from performers whose careers are too prosperous to come to Buffalo. Of the roughly 12,000 folks there, about a third of the audience were parents of the concert goers which I guess was good.

Funny to see the corridors full of moms networking or dads looking for a Sabres score.

Each of the first four acts got about 30 minutes on stage. Comedic relief for me was a security guard who appeared in my corridor, hear the first few prerecorded notes, looked at me and in perfect deadpan said “I don’t like them” before he turned to try his luck charming the moms in the hallway (no digits for him there). In between acts, was 30 minutes of commercials, a video and yelping from the air staff of the radio station. I think if I could have gotten a dollar for each “How ya’all doin?” or “Buffalo, make some noiiiiise!” my bills would be paid for the month. You’d think they would need a ghostwriter, but I have to remind myself of the intended demographic.

While resenting a little that I am now aware of such a thing as the Miranda Cosgrove band, in all fairness, headliner Maroon 5 was pretty good in their 50 minute slot to cap the night.  Another usher and I joked about how in our day you had to watch the show and hope the dot on stage as was the featured attraction. Before our Rock and Roll liver spots fully developed, a quick look at the seated people revealed a twittering, texting typing pool. That was at least till the headliner, once Maroon 5 cranked up, it actually felt like a concert and the assorted masses were up and into it.

At least those who were left. By taking a little more than two hours and stretching that over a five hour “well-oiled machine” like production, the younger fans reached their bed times and were starting to depart.

I just marvel at the merchandise sales. The radio station sold blue blinking light hats in such numbers that from upper level had the effect looking like at the old Atari video game on my parents tv set.

Interesting evening, on the upside, at a show with so few licensed drivers, this usher got home in record time.

Worse ways to help make the ends meet, but I’m looking forward to the hockey at the end of the month.