The Zen Of Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.  

2. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.

3. Don’t be irreplaceable. If you can’t be replaced, you can’t be promoted.

4.  Always remember that you’re unique. Just like everyone else.

5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

6. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.

8. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is probably not for you.

9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably a wise investment.

11. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

12. Some days you’re the bug; some days you’re the windshield.

13. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

14. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

16. There are two theories to arguing. Neither one works.

17. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your lips are moving.

18. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.

19. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

20.  Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night


Driftin’ and Hopin’

I’m full for this. Yes, this is another weather gripe.

My landlord has either Ray Charles or Stevie Wonder plowing our pathways, so since the last rounds of snow have landed, you are basically luging your way out to the end of the driveway. That wouldn’t be a completely bad thing if the snow there hasn’t been shoved into 5 foot tall drifts, which on an elevated lot, makes hopping down on to Delaware Ave during rush hour a challenge worthy of Steve McQueen in “Bullit.”

I think the prolonged cold is making us all a little loopy. For three days now, a decent looking toyota was parked on the road leading into work. As snow has been removed, it was revealed that the car was in the ticket attracting middle of the road. Parking spaces have become less distinct. I took my son into school and noticed one of the faculty was so possessive of their spot, it mattered not that a pile of snow was occupying the bulk of it. The SUV is question was plastered on it.

A bus rider decided standing in the plowed street was better that being on the curb. He was giving each driver including me stern talking tos as we were clearly in his space.

People were taking some serious chances in changing lanes, makes you think we’ve been cold too long. No january thaw, just a day every ten days that nudges 30.

Sad, when 20 makes you think it’s a heatwave.

Spring, bring it!