1. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a salted.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve
you, but don’t start anything.”
3. A sandwich walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry we don’t
serve food in here.”
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and
says, “A beer please…and one for the road.”
6. Two antennas meet on a roof, fall in love, and get married. The
ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was brilliant.
7. Two cannibals are eating a clown.
One says to the other, “Does this taste funny to you?”
8. “Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“It’s not unusual.”
9. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly: “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe
you,” said Dolly. “It’s true, no bull!” exclaimed Daisy.
10. An invisible man marries an invisible woman.
The kids were nothing to look at either.
11. Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar. One says, “I’ve lost my
electron.” The other says, “Are you sure?” The first replies,
“Yes, I’m positive…”
12. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this BS before.
13. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, “My dog’s cross-eyed.
Is there anything you can do for him?” “Well,” says the vet,
“let’s have a look at him.” So, he picks the dog up, examines his eyes,
then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says, “I’m going to have to put him down.”
“What?! Just because he’s cross-eyed?!?”
“No, because he’s really, really heavy!!”
14. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.
And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.
It’s either my mom or my dad…or, maybe my older brother Colin
or my younger brother Ho-Cha Chu.
But I’m pretty sure it’s Colin.
15. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I
couldn’t find any.
16. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 5 bucks that he
couldn’t reach the meat off the top shelf.
He said, “No, the steaks are too high.”
17. A man regained consciousness in the hospital after a serious
accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor! I can’t feel my legs!”
The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I’ve cut your arms off”.
18. I went to a seafood disco rave last week and pulled a mussel.
19. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a
fire in the craft, it sank….proving once and for all that you
can’t have your kayak and heat it too.
20. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
21. Two termites walk into a bar. One asked, “Is the bar tender here?
22. A couple ropes walk into a bar. The bartender says, “We don’t
serve ropes here. Please leave.”
After they walk out, the female rope ties herself into a
pretty bow and frizzes up her ends.
Then she walks back in.
The bartender says “Didn’t I tell you we don’t serve ropes?”
To which she replies, “I’m a frayed knot.”
23. I went to Borders Books and asked the clerk where the self-help
section was and she said that if she told me it would defeat the
purpose of having one.
This showed up in my email and I thought I’d share, I believe it comes from the witty mind of Stephen Wright
Mike's Pub 