Bar Stool Philosophy

Oh, them crazy internet forwards — but this one has the value of being funny. This showed up in my email this morning and being the man of the people that I am, I share, because I care. Enjoy:

— I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

— Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

— I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

— Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

— The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.

— Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

— If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.

— We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

— War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

— Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

— The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

— Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

— To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

— A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

— How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

— Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.

— Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.

— I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.

— A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.

— Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.

— I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

— I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Implants?”

— Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?

— Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

— Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

— Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

— A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

— You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

— The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

— Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.

— A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip.

— Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.

— Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

— I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.

— Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.

— There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.

— I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure.

— I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

— When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

— You’re never too old to learn something stupid.

— To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

— Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.

— Some people hear voices, some see invisible people, others have no imagination whatsoever.

— A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you run after it as it does when you are in it.

— Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

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