Oh, them crazy internet forwards — but this one has the value of being funny. This showed up in my email this morning and being the man of the people that I am, I share, because I care. Enjoy:
— I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn’t work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
— Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
— I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
— Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
— The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it’s still on the list.
— Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
— If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
— We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
— War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
— Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
— The early bird might get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
— Evening news is where they begin with “Good evening” and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
— To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
— A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
— How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
— Some people are like Slinkies ~ not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
— Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
— I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted pay cheques.
— A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
— Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says “If an emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR”.
— I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
— I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it, so I said “Implants?”
— Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
— Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
— Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
— Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
— A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
— You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
— The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
— Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
— A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way you look forward to the trip.
— Hospitality: making your guests feel like they’re at home, even if you wish they were.
— Money can’t buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
— I discovered I scream the same way whether I’m about to be devoured by a great white shark or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.
— Some cause happiness wherever they go, others whenever they go.
— There’s a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can’t get away.
— I used to be indecisive, now I’m not sure.
— I always take life with a grain of salt, plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.
— When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
— You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
— To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
— Nostalgia isn’t what it used to be.
— Some people hear voices, some see invisible people, others have no imagination whatsoever.
— A bus is a vehicle that travels twice as fast when you run after it as it does when you are in it.
— Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Mike's Pub 